How to clean up an oil spill:101

Do you know what to do if, let's say, 5 quarts of oil spills all over your clean garage floor, onto the expensive stroller, and covers your shoes and clothes? Let me tell you.

First, you'll want to break the hose out, but Don't! That is a bad idea because then you would have oil and water everywhere it wasn't already. No, a better idea would be to grab those newspapers you've been recycling for cub scouts and spread them out all over the oil to try and contain it. The oil won't want to be absorbed, though, so you're going to need lots of newspapers and pretty much just scoop the oil up and dump it into the trash can. Do this while your wife wakes up from her very short nap to try to clean the stroller. She breaks out the Palmolive, of which you probably only have a few drops left, and the hose. After that doesn't work, she'll try the Simple Green, which will help, but again you won't have much of that left either. So she'll go inside to grab her handy Queen of Clean book while you are still scooping up oil, don't worry, you'll be doing this for a while.

When your wife comes back, she'll have the Spot Shot carpet cleaner spray, because that's what the Queen says to use. And again, she'll only have the tester bottles that came with the housewarming basket the builder left. But it's enough to put a dent into the oil seeping into the fabric of that ridiculously expensive, and let's face it, hardly ever used because your baby likes to be held, stroller. Then she'll realize that the fabric padding comes off! Of course! So she unvelcros, unbuttons, unscrews, until all the oil soaked fabric is removed. She'll take it inside, and stick it in the washer with a ton of detergent and a silent prayer.

At this point, you've pretty much gotten up most of the oil off the floor and all you have left is the thick oily film. But you can't worry about that because you are needed to go deliver pizzas to the hungry and needy people of Power Ranch. So you'll go upstairs, strip off the oil soaked clothes and ask your wife to do her best because you really like that tattered orange shirt you've had for close to 9 years now. She'll sigh and agree, but she might've muttered something under her breath about throwing it out when you weren't looking.

Off to the grind you'll go, leaving behind your wife and 4 small children to finish up the job. Hmmmm....the Queen doesn't say anything about an oily film. And let's face it, your wife has no cleaning supplies left. She'll do a google search and find that what she really needs to do is sprinkle salt all over the film to absorb it, and she can then just sweep it up. So she grabs all the salt in the house and goes to town shaking it all over the garage. She starts to sweep and notices that the salt is working! She'll be so excited, until she realizes she's just used all the salt in the house. Dang. The google search did say flour would work as well, and lucky lucky lucky for her she has a #10 can of flour. More than enough! So she takes the flour out to the garage and sprinkles, spreads, pours it all out. It works too, hooray! Wait, she'll say, are those ants? Oh no! The ants think she's just spread out a buffet. And if the ants think so, so will all the other bugs in the neighborhood. She sweeps and sweeps and sweeps. Wow, she'll say, flour is really hard to get off the floor. Then she remembers the shop vac. Of course! And she'll vacuum the garage. And vacuum. And vacuum. Wow, she'll say, vacuuming the flour off the garage floor is hard work. But finally she'll be done. Looks great! Wait, oh man, she'll still be able to feel the oily film! And if she can feel it, shoes can pick it up, take it inside, and track it all over her carpets, and we all know how she feels about her carpets. Dang. So she'll pack up the children and off to the store they'll go. Never mind that it's close to 6pm and no one's eaten dinner, there's no time for that! Cleaning supplies are needed, and some salt, and while we're there let's pick up a mango and some Diet Pepsi and avocados and yogurt and apples and wait, why'd we go to the store? Right, cleaning supplies.

After they return, put away the groceries, and feed the baby, she'll go back out to the garage. She's bought a bottle of Simple Green spray. She sprays and wipes. It's like magic, the oil is gone! So she'll continue to do this, spray and wipe, spray and wipe, spray and wipe. Wow, she'll say, this is taking a really long time. But the garage floor has never looked better. Finally she'll be done.

At this point she'll look at the stroller fabric she's washed 3 times now and sees that it still has oil on it. She Spot Shots it with the new bottle she just bought and starts the washer again, hoping the oil won't ruin the washing machine, but secretly hoping it will and she can get a new one that doesn't have a funky odor to it.

She cleans up the mess she's made from cleaning up, throws the hose on the side of the house, chats up the neighbor about the pesky HOA, and hears her kids crying. Dang. Timeouts are doled out and she's left with rugs to wash, because they were right inside the doorways that oil soaked feet went in, shoes to degrease, and dinner to make. Okay, cereal for dinner for those who haven't already fallen asleep whilst in timeouts. She takes the stroller padding out of the washer and puts the rugs in. She fills the sink with detergent and shoes.

And that, my friends is what you do when 5 quarts of oil spills all over your garage floor.

What? You want to know how 5 quarts of oil spilt? A spry 9 year old tried to pull a Jack. No, not a Jack in the Box, a Jack like

Jack be nimble

Jack be quick,

Jack jump over a bucket full of oil.

Only this particular 9 year old caught his foot on the bucket and he fell down like Jack and Jill. But don't worry, no crowns were broken. Yet. Besides, what mother doesn't like to spend 6 hours cleaning up one ginormous mess?